Silver Lining

And we're back at it again. I've never felt this in a long time. But here we are.. It just came unexpectedly, and I'm back to the same place. It wasn't as dark as before, but it's still the same circle of darkness. I never would've believed I'd still be grieving and processing the same thing that happened many years ago up until this time. My therapist once told me that, whenever these things happen, it's normal that they'd visit now and then, but don't discredit the efforts you've put into your healing. You are not the same person as you were before. You have surpassed that brokenness already, but this glimpse of pain is just here as a reminder that you have made it this far. Yes, I have made it this far.

It dawned on me differently this time. It would hit me in my sleep in the middle of the night, forcing me to wake up and eventually cry. And I would just let the tears flow. It's a time when questions have risen out of nowhere. Wondering about the what-might-have-beens of my life, sometimes even questioning my worth. I know I shouldn't be entertaining this type of thought, but I also wouldn't want to suppress it again, as badly as I did before. It may not be as distressing as before, but it led me to open up and write about it again. For a month, I shifted to journaling on my tablet instead of here, but I just had this feeling to come back here. I just wanted to make sense of it in a logical way, away from being too vulnerable on my tablet. Or maybe I just thought that maybe someone might benefit from reading this and help them in a way. Well, this was my main purpose of starting up a blog and podcast years ago, mainly to share my side and help people go through the same shit in life as I have. Or maybe I'm looking for a way for people to understand my line of thinking.

I may be at a point in life where I have lost hope again. Or have given up hoping to prevent myself from crashing and breaking down even more. It was like being on autopilot. I wanted to go through healing where I wouldn't need to depend on other people. I wanted to stand up on my own and fly through life the best way that I could without anyone's help. But I guess this is just silly. Every one of us has our struggles in life; that we are not comfortable with sharing the world, and I respect that. We each have our way of grieving and processing those painful messes of our lives. I think I have lost my way again because I couldn't even recognize myself anymore. I guess that's considered or even expected of us. We move on to life without pauses and stops, and whatever burden we carry paves its way to live along with us and becomes part of life. We never realize how it affects our well-being until it breaks us. I can truly say that therapy has helped me see things in perspective and has helped me bounce back to reality. One major thing that my therapist has taught me that I had to take with me is that the things we do in life shouldn't affect other people because it's not fair for them and us. It may be difficult, and nobody says it would be easy. Well, how I wish it was that easy, but let's face the fact that it's never easy. One of the things I fight with every day is the feeling of giving up. Like I settled with what I have right now, and wouldn't want to change anything. It felt like I stopped growing. It felt like the world was moving, and I was a few steps behind. I know I should just let things be. To accept that some things are just the way they are. To look into the silver lining of things and make it better.

No one's going to help you but yourself. Give yourself some credit, and one day it will all be worth it.