Redeemed

I'll start by saying that this year I've crashed more times and I've picked myself up multiple times, I couldn't even count them anymore. I have been at my darkest, and I have also been at my lowest. I even came to a point where I lost hope; lost hope in life, and sad to say, even my faith in God wavered. I'm not saying this because I'm proud of it, but to just make sense of the reasons why I came to be this way again. I sought comfort because of its familiarity. I just gave up on the thought of hoping and being in faith, that I just wanted to flow through life without any purpose, just because I find it easier. Settling for what was being handed to me, not even trying to lift myself up from the drowning pit that I was in. Not even giving my 100% in everything that I do. There was this certain event that happened to me during the first quarter of the year, and I kind of rushed into it without slowing down, without thinking of the possible consequences, and without even praying about it. I just enjoyed that moment because I missed the feeling of attention and acceptance. I kind of self-sabotaged my way through it, and eventually, it awakened my need for healing. It reminded me that I have to look deep and fix myself first before jumping into something that would cause me more harm than good. Honestly, I was already aware of the situation, yet I still pushed through it, and I ended up bleeding on myself again, instead of saving myself from it. April 2023 was one of the hardest months for me this year because I got lost again. I had no control over the situation, and I couldn't navigate myself through it, and ended up having my anxiety and depression triggered again. It was that time also, I had so many marks on my feet. It was sudden, and the doctors transferred me from one to the other; unknowingly, stress was the one that caused it. It was then during this time that I had multiple skin breakouts on my face, neck, chest, and arms. It was probably triggered by the level of stress that I was going through. So yeah, it was my health that suffered. So, being on the downpit of all that, I decided to go have a visit to that long overdue psychiatrist my friend recommended me to meet. I felt the need for it because I couldn't even move forward with life, even if I wanted to. I have been taking medications for my mental state, but it wasn't enough. I decided that I needed to change my doctor to one who is open to hearing me out and offering counseling at the same time. I needed someone who could help me mentally and emotionally. So I met with this new doctor and she has been helping me for months; changed my medications and doing once a month counseling therapy. She made me realize a lot about my past (childhood and relationships), how I was approaching things wrongly, how I should change my attitude toward my issues, and how I should manage them when certain things happen that are out of my control.

I am overflowing with thoughts right now because my therapy yesterday opened a lot in me. I have been approaching healing the wrong way. I have been defining 'healing as being 100% healed without any flashbacks, without any reminders, and any pain', but my doctor reminded me that I should be realistic with my definition of healing. I should accept the presence of pain from time to time because it's there for a reason. I need to acknowledge its presence since it's a part of who I am, and whatever feeling or emotion arises from it, I can do something about it. I should be able to manage them with the necessary tools available. It doesn't mean that whenever I am reminded of it, I am weak and not healed. It's just a part of life and I should just accept its existence. To not allow these things to control me, and let it go.

Let go of the uncertainty, let go of the what-ifs, let go of the wonders on my mind. Let go of the shame, the guilt, and the questions. It's already beyond my control because it's done and already in the past.

So why did I entitle the blog with the word Redeemed? Just this week, I went back to church and attended the monthly Worship and Prayer Night. It's been years since I attended because I felt ashamed for not being close anymore to the community, for not making time for God and His people, and for being away from God instead of being near Him. I cried with this one song because I used to listen to this during the time I was still getting to know God and I was amazed that God used that song during the worship to remind me of His radical love, of how He saved me, of how He repeatedly healed me, and that my life and my heart belongs to Him. That I can just run back to Him at any time. That I was the one who moved away, and this time, God reminded me that He is my home. And just this morning, I had my daily devotional, and God spoke to me. He welcomed me back like the lost child that I was. I cried and felt at peace knowing that He was just waiting for my return. I felt guilty all this time, but God blessed me with His peace and relief. God is a God of mercy and love. I was reminded that God is the only one who could save me from all the woes I have in my heart. After being away from God, He redeemed me once again, and I couldn't be more joyful for experiencing His presence again. Helping me to realize that it's only Him who can help me through all the difficult and challenging times of my life. I surrendered my life back again to God and let Him lead me. I offered my life back to Him, whatever plans He might have for me, wherever God leads me, I am ready to accept it, whether it is easy or hard. I have to stop expecting too much from this world, and I reminded myself that my life in this world is not the end. I have an eternity to go. I should just persevere and do good in this lifetime, for God is my God. My response should be Godly, and not worldly. I may have never-ending struggles and traumas to face, but my God is greater than all of it. This is my season of growth, and God is my ultimate healer and redeemer.

Yes, God, I'm back. No looking back.

Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

-Romans 5:3‭-‬5 ESV